things like this speak to me.

i visited one of the teachers at my former site, a friend. and while we had lunch, she told me about everything that was going on. and it was crazy. as usual. but one of the things she told me about is a theme that has been plaguing my thoughts lately.

the students that i used to work with have had to deal with a lot of adversity. many times the people who were supposed to take care of them disappeared and at a young age, it was hard to deal with. so they've grown up untrusting and keeping people at bay so that they don't have to get so hurt.

but it made me remember some of my friend's situations, and how they met super cool people and really want to keep them in their lives. but it doesn't always seem to happen the way you want.

so even as adults, it's hard to lose people. the ones who make you feel human. and who you take for granted... because you think he'll be around. but then one day, he falls off your radar or ties get cut off and you're sad. lost. empty. and there's really nothing you can do, even after months when you catch him standing across the street from you. and you've dreamed of that moment. and your heart swells. with memories and hopes and possibilities. but "a breath between [you] could be miles," (sarah mclachlan, "i love you.") and then he's gone as quickly as he came into sight. and you're left with only your disappointment and an engulfing sadness that swallows you whole the way a blazing brush fire in the middle of southern california's santa ana winds claims the hills around it. your breaths shorten and as you drive away, you can't think straight. and the circles you drive are the ones that are spinning inside of your head. while the music drifts into your ears. and "the tears in [your] eyes burn," (bob marley, "waiting in vain"), sliding down your cheek. every distraction is futile. every tear a reminder of each memory you should be letting go of.

i went to the cafe that we went to last year. and ordered stracchiatella for old times sake and blood orange for new beginnings. i walked over to the fountain and found the bench we sat at. and ate my gelato. and though many would have seen it as masochistic, it was me paying my respects to something that meant a great deal to me. something i probably won't ever get over. but will find a way to live with symbiotically.

and though i was, and am, still sad, one day it will all make sense.

ur hard to get over.

i do not know why i am always so surprised when i think about this point, but so much has changed from a year ago.

[shakes head in disbelief]

sometimes i long for what i had then: the familiar steps i took, the scent upon my skin, the feeling of comfort that gave me confidence. but as i have been told, this is a waste of a thought. but it has always been hard for me to let go. let go. let go...

of my fears.
of my perfectionism.
of a soul that changed my own.
of a love that had my heart.
of worrying about things out of my control.
of caring about what others will think.
of controlling.
of me.

Beo Dat May Troi

Bèo giạt mây trôi chốn xa xôi em ơi anh vẫn đợi bèo giạt
Mây trôi chim xa tan tín tìn cá vờn
Ngậm một tin trông, hai tin đợi, ba bốn tin chờ
Sao chẳng thấy em
Một mảnh trăng cheo xuốt canh thâu em ơi trăng đã ngã ngang đầu
Thương nhớ ai trăng sương đêm sắp tàn trăng tà
Mảnh tre đưa trước ngỏ là gió la đà anh vẫn mong chờ
Sao chẳng thấy em

Mòn mõi chim bay chốn xa xôi em ơi anh ngóng đợi mõi mòn
Thương nhớ ai chim ơi cho nhắn một đôi lời
Người đi xa có nhớ là nhớ ai ngồi trông cánh chim trời
Sao chẳng thấy em
hmmm... hmmm... hmmm... hmmm...
Người đi xa có nhớ là nhớ ai ngồi trông cánh chim trời
Sao chẳng thấy em... Sao chẳng thấy em... Sao chẳng thấy em


Water-fern flows and cloud floats

Water-fern flows and cloud floats in a distance land I still wait for you
cloud floats, birds fly away and fish disappear
Waiting to hear from you
How come I still don't see you
Night has fallen and the moon above the head
Missing someone as dew falls and the night fades
The bamboo rattles as the wind blows and I'm still waiting
How come I still don't see you

The bird still flies relentlessly to a distant land and I'm still waiting hopelessly
Missing someone, birds please relay my message
In a distant land do you still remember me I'm still watching the birds' wings
How come I still don't see you
hmmm... hmmm... hmmm... hmmm...
In a distant land do you still remember me I'm still watching the birds' wings
How come I still don't see you

recently watched movies:

* "indiana jones and the kingdom of the crystal skull"
* "little black book"
* "the nanny diaries"
* "the chronicles of narnia: prince caspian"

so far, "prince caspian" is in the lead with new releases. hands down!