bah humbug

i went to the mall today, looking for socks and skirts. and i kept running into christmas decorations and christmas songs. usually, i'd be excited. but i'm not feeling it this year. so don't be surprised if i don't celebrate christmas 2004.

bah

so what if you catch me, where would we land/

for all of my non-SUA buddies, look out for "Phil's office," Phil's waiting room, and the gym scene if you watch elizabeth town. they're about finished with the filming on campus. but how exciting! it's so fun to see things that you recognize. even if it's not a good movie. at least that how it was when i watched once upon a time in mexico. a lot of that, like the presidential place and the streets of the parade, were shot in guanajuato. exciting!

speaking of exciting, as i write this, lightning has struck three times. how riveting! so now i am sitting in the darkness of my room, wondering if thunder will hit again. make that four times! this is crazy compared to last night's howling winds and rains hitting at like a 45 degree angle to my windows. at least my window didn't break and blow off my screens! phew! scary.

the rainbow today was beautiful and reminded me that there is more to life than being bitter about hollywood and people who annoy you. like cute rainboots. and versatile dresses that you can wear over and over again. ::sigh:: not to mention people you love spending time with. and days that resonate in your mind, bringing you sheer joy.

i want gelatto, brownies with walnuts, and tiramisu.

radio plays what they want you to hear

now i just have to figure how and with who i can get to providence with! yay! how fun! the possibilites.

here's to my 300th entry

sorry about not watching "my sassy girl" as a group. i was being PA because you were watching another movie, on top of me feeling dazed all day, so i just needed to laugh. which ultimately led to crying.

but i saw guanajuato. and missed the walks. and the mole. and the restaurants.

i guess i do have to get used to being alone. i don't know why i thought i could live forever in the presence of others, forgetting me.

i am sorry. can we still be friends?=)

secret signals

"we are not together here, though we lie entwined."

im just going through the motions these days. sluggish. apathetic. perfunctory. but busy. what else is there to do?

NPA.

after all the rain, you see the sun come out again

i was there and you were my baby

this is it. ready or not. here i come.

there's always that one person
that will always have your heart
you'll never see it coming
cuz you're blinded from the start
know that you're that one for me
it's clear for everyone to see
oh baby, you'll always be my boo

it's never wearing out

bad days start even before you get yourself out of bed. and as you give yourself up to your moods and emotions, you watch your spirit slowly die. but as the sun peeks out from behind the clouds, your spirit finds itself and finds the strength to stand up.

i found the sun and my spirit while in laguna niguel today. not the most likely place; i know. especially all you people who like to diss orange county and southern california. but the important thing was the presence of uplifting souls. i knew the day was headed for the better when i pranced around sport chalet with flasks and bathing suits. haha, not to mention cher bucket hats. and my mood jumped for joy at old navy as i found chocolate khakis on sale. the climax occurred while four girls walked down a sidewalk bouncing a bouncy ball, the high-flying kind. all of a sudden, the pink ball of rubber hit the walkway without anyone within grabbing reach, driving the ball down the driveway through the parking lot. i sprinted, watching both ways for traffic, as the ball rolled down the sloping parking lot. ::pant pant:: hilariousness! almost or more funny than the shoes at shoe store x. wow! barbie shoes! white sneaker heals. purple and blue striped rain boots. hehehe... if only you were there...

hey you looking at your sorrow

needless to say, that completely lifted my spirits. so did the drag ball. dang, i was grooving. haha! the mudslide was nice. and the breadsticks? mmm mmm! ann was sooo cute sipping our drinks! ellie was stunning in her corduroy jacket and strawberry shortcake sundae. lisa was magnanimous. allison was a tickly monster. mitzi chugged and beat me to the slide!

got me looking so crazy

haha, then we went back to the pad. and sat around my room, looking at my youthful "thug" days and sharing the story of the boy. mina and yoshi danced and hung out. it was soo happy to see ann playing with the kids. i aired the trailer to the movie that is nonexistent and we're gonna watch "my sassy girl" next friday if you are up for it!

your friends shine their hearts on your darkest days

thank you for being there for me today. you were exactly what i needed.

well here i am, don't know how to say this

i feel like the more i am where i am, the more rushed i feel and the less sleep i get. my mind keeps wandering back to where i was a year ago, somewhere so close yet so far away from the everyday hassles and responsibilities of here. i miss the carefree, living-in0-the-moment, simple days of mexico and my experience studying abroad. i wanted so much to return to my life in the states and apply that mindset here. but i have failed.

i read about jo's life and i marvel at how beautiful life can be.

i know that my life can be beautiful and i know that the title of my journal seems to reinforce that. but i feel like im chasing after a way of life that can never be mine. and i am my own obstacle. me and my indefinite mind of negativity.

i like the feeling in my chest when the day is finally over and i can rest my weary body in my bed. i fill my thoughts with the happy moments and i drift off into a worry-free, relaxing world.

your hair is everywhere, screaming infidelities.

morning light steals across my window pane

did you catch it? the first rain of southern california's autumn season. to celebrate, i danced and pranced around, letting go and not feeling like before where i only anticipated rain when i was depressed. those feelings did not help me enjoy the rain tonight. in fact, being without those feelings helped make it more fun!

however, the rain and the thunder reminded me of mexico. and how fall in southern california is so awkward to me now. i cannot remember what it was like living here when the leaves fall. i miss my autumn in mexico. with the unexpected rain, powerful thunder rolls, VERY powerful... aww! te extrano muchisimo.

until later...
take notice of what's in front of you cuz did i mention? you're about to miss a good thing?

NPA

my bff is struggling. but i know that when the right time comes, she'll know what to do.
"just remember, there's a clear distinction between being honest and being cruel. i know you won't be happy if you say something in a mean way, but i know you won't be happy if you don't speak up. don't be an avoidant turtle like me or a teddy bear that gets doormatted."

i dig my toes into the sand, the ocean looks like a thousand diamonds strewn across the blue blanket

ive been wanting to go swimming at the beach, even though it's been chilly. i think of how strangely warm the water was in september and how at peace i was washed up in the powerful waves. i think of how in june, i willingly went into the waters for the first time in years.

i wish you were here

i have a stronger secure base than i have ever had before. ive been able to try new activities and to face some of my fears. and i know it's because of the people around me.

and in this moment, i am happy, happy.

thanks for shopping with me and thanks for helping me figure out how to be "girly." i know im picky... hehe, that is how i am with certain things, especially dressing up.

i wish you were here

today, i thought of tina and how much i miss her crawling all over my room and in my sheets when i laid in bed taking a nap. i miss her purring and how close we were. it's been almost six months without her, and it hasn't gotten any better. i wish there had been closure... i don't even want to throw away her little milk bottle.

i wish you were here

if i only had you here to breathe the sigh of two, i would be happy just to hold the hand i love

hurry! i have class in like 10 minutes!

if you knew the depths of how much i felt after watching eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, you would have reacted to the movie the same way i did: paralyzed, deep, yet refreshing crying.

im a ghost in my own life. of a good thing.

i hold on to my pillow tight, as you have left me here alone

through the years, we all will be together if the fates allow

i hear the sound of the song soothing away at the clots and dams. but it does nothing for this lonely heart that beats weakly under my brittle chest. i knew the time would come when everything i was cramming into my days would explode within me. and now that it has, i do not know where to go. i realize that this is as important as the happiness and jubilation, but it does not stop me from ruminating. do i get rid of the stressors? do i minimize the commitments? if i do, will that change anything? or will i just pick up new activities and stressors? it is all too perplexing for me this evening.

on top of it all, the heavy feeling of loneliness that has settled within me is ravenous. reminds me of when i used to crawl underneath tables when i was desperate for comfort, protection, or both. but the available tables now are not very available. kind of like all the people in my world right now. i scan my venues of communication, as they all sit idly. this is nothing new. the traits of a quiet night. but how i long for the company of a breathing, living human being. or maybe a big dog that i could speak spanish to.

and all i can do is sing this song