count your blessings

i have this habit where i say bye to VIPs before i leave on a trip in case something happens and i dont get to see them again. and i was able to do that with a couple of people, thank goodness zee and mindy. but i didnt get the chance to say bye to the boy so im feeling kinda crummy. i guess we saw a lot of each other beforehand and he needed his space and time with his friends. so ill say it here: "bye."

in other news, i slept for more than 7 hours for the first time in 2 weeks. how exciting. =)

a message i saw on a motel sign: "count your rainbows, not your thunderstorms."

its time i stop letting other people be my life, like following the wind around. its only inevitable that i get lost everytime they change directions and my heart is not a strong enough navigator these days.

free to be me, without having to change.

im leaving on a boat cruise, don't know when ill be back again

all the crazies from the day of graduation. madness. and i square i can't believe that was a week ago. get out of my house!

the concept of school seems so secure

today, i laid down on the floor of a tennis court because i had strange yet painful cramps in both my front and back sides of the center of my body. as i lay wincing in pain i have hardly ever known, i thought of ellie, which made me think of the dvd i watched from the gift committee, which reminded me of my lost home, which reminded me that i haven't figured out anything, which reminded me of too many other things. everything hit me so hard that i cried and for the first time since the entire craziness that was the month of may. i figured it was my body's way of telling me that other things are wrong, like a wounded heart and a confused mind.

we shall see what else lies ahead. in the meantime, have patience that each new day is not a waste, bringing us closer and closer to the truth, to our truth.

i wanna be so much more than this

one thing i love about summer.

you promised, you promised that you're done

i wish it were easier to love and be loved. for everyone. i watch people and i watch myself and it feels like we hold back on receiving love because we are afraid of how vulnerable and weak it makes us. so we resist and we are tough and then others can't love us because we're too hard. is there a happy medium?

say goodbye, the night is over

do you really want the sugar pill?

i am still sad. bummed. i keep thinking of how everything is now different. i miss little things. i miss people's faces. and i can't pretend that i'll see them again next week when the weekend is over because i know i won't.

but i cant tell you from the drugs

Your Birthdate: March 20

Your birth on the 20th day of the month adds a degree of emotion, sensitivity, and intuition to your reading. The 2 energy provided here is very social, allowing you to make friends easily and quickly. Yet you are apt to have a rather nervous air in the company of a large group. You have a warmhearted nature and emotional understanding that constantly seeks affection. You are very prone to become depressed and moody, as emotions can turn inward and cause anxiety and mental turmoil. It can be hard for you to bounce back to reality when depression sets in. When things are going well, you can go just as far the other way and become extremely affectionate.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

for my soka brothers and sisters

part I

in my life
But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

i love you more

look how beautiful we all are. i am so proud of you, class of 2005.

oh simple thing, where have you gone?

i've never seen my mom proud of me. she's hard to please. but i think she is proud that i am graduating, that the last of her bunch is done with college.

she said, "i'm crying because i'm so happy."

she said while she was taking pictures, "our daughter is a flower."

if she cries on graduation day, i will cry.

why don't we go somewhere only we know?

i thought of you.

de-stress with us

The BIGGEST, The BEST, and THE LAST De-STRESSER (unless someone else wants to run it?) aka “Soka Time” here at SUA!!!! IF you have NEVER experienced the exciting thrill of being with all of your friends and hanging out like this, you HAVE to come!!!

Expect more than 100 Students and Faculty!

Welty has been working very hard to make this happen for all of you, so it would mean so much to him if you could come support and have a great time!

Tons of Activities! Tons of shit to do!!! Bring your friends, bring your family (many of the students are bringing their parents)!!!

Who will be there:

Professors

Res Life Staff

The KING (Jimmy King)

YOU!

For once everyone drops their roles and unites to converse and have a great time!! This Thursday Evening in the Game Room!!

From 8:30PM to 10PM:

Jazz Club

Movie “Old School”

Outdoor Live Music Jam Session,

Video Games, (on 2 tvs)

Free Ice Cream!! (first come first serve)

Board Games.

More than 10 Professors and Staff!

Game Room amenities

From 10PM to 12AM:

Hip Hop Dance Club,

Movie “The Incredibles,”

Outdoor Live Music Jam Session,

Video Games (on 2 tvs),

Free Ice Cream! (if there's any left over)

Board Games

Fun dancing and hanging out!

i wouldn't advertise if i didn't believe in it

shopping excursion...with the peeps... waiting for shoe shoppers

why don't you come around boy?

blah. scrapbook is done. capstone is done. yet, i still feel very blah. too blah. i thought id be relieved or happy or something. nah...

it all falls down

amidst the last hours before senior thesis was due, we still picked up the coveted 05 scrapbook.

that shows we have love for you all.

even though we put in almost 150 hours each working on this scrapbook with long nights in the stuffy copy room and badgering people for their pages for 4 months, i will miss my scrapbook committee and all the time we spent together.

rock on, scrapbook, rock on.

now, for the last revision session...

the state of my mind...state of my desk...


here we go. final stretch. to infinity and beyond.

bring it on, sucka!

the stars of the night

arg...this is silly. last night, i tried to sleep and it took forever to fall asleep because i kept on having all these random thoughts as i laid on my back. so i tried to lie on my side but that wasn't working too well because it hurt my neck, even though i would start to fall asleep. soo, i turned back onto my back and all the thoughts kept racing. arg. so then i forced myself to wake up from this dream where my family would not believe that there were people looking for us to shoot us dead. and when they finally did, it was because someone drove through the neighborhood shooting. so because this dream was eerily connected to those freeway shootings, i woke up and sent out this forward that my friend had sent me last week that i disregarded because i wasn't sure how reliable it was. arg...and they want me to write out the pronounciation of my name and im like "grr...what does my middle name have to be pronounced?? i have no english pronounciation of that stuff..." arg...and this discussion business is getting old and tiresome and bothersome and run on...

sort of like this post.

the view from my seat 

you know the bit where i was calm about my paper? thats gone for now. but at least i went to my first baseball game and saw my fave high school teachers and danced like a weirdo in the stands. =)

for now, i must rest...i have work in the morning?!

so out of it, i didnt even format my posting with the song titles at the beginning and end.

so she said "everyone's going to the party"

to the jo that has us all enthralled.

10 interesting things about me
10 peanuts...yes, but not peanut butter...no
9 i stay in romantic relationships and friendships if i feel like im growing; if not, i stop trying
8 sometimes i want to be shallow: attention paid to people's shoes, wanting to win a popularity contest, etc.
7 most of my life is lived inside of my head
6 i don't like to read books very often
5 i love music so much because it understands me
4 my mom was my roommate until i was 9 years old
3 sometimes i identify with mexico more than vietnam
2 i am not religious; this does not mean i am not spiritual though
1 i want people to be able to read my mind

nine places i've visited
9 las vegas
8 vietnam
7 waikiki, hawaii
6 washington, dc
5 portland, oregon
4 san francisco
3 mexico
2 rhode island, boston, and new york
1 berkeley

eight things i want to do before I die
8 compile "tender scrawls," a book of my writings
7 write a children's book
6 visit machu piccu
5 sarah mclachlan and dashboard confessional concerts
4 go to venice, austria, maui, monterrey (ca), napa valley, back to nyc, back to mexico, and japan
3 to work in a career that i love
2 become a good cook
1 learn to ballroom dance

seven ways to win my heart
7 complement and balance me
6 understand that i appreciate the small things in life and don't need much in terms of material things
5 be open minded to new people, new experiences, new places
4 have patience
3 be in tune with other people
2 adventurous
1 not be afraid to show me love

six things that annoy me
6 over and under usage of blinkers in cars
5 abercrombie & fitch, hollister, and girls who wear volcom
4 over priced handbags for people who have money or who want to appear to have money
3 people who continue to listen to their ipods on one ear while talking to you
2 jokes used over and over again
1 when people know that what they are saying bothers you but they continue to say it

five things i'm afraid of
5 success
4 failure
3 not being good enough
2 the unknown
1 big life changes

four of my favorite items in my bedroom
4 alternative down pillow
3 greeting cards
2 bed
1 music players

three things i do everyday
3 smile
2 look at all my bookmarked online journals
1 listen to music

two things i am trying not to do right now
2 sleep
1 do my senior thesis

one person i want to see right now
1. minh

this post took me 1 hour and 13 minutes

go go go, go you mighty rebels

ive written about my father once before. his teasing has yet to cease. his hands have not softened. and, i believe, his heart has not known comfort. to me, he seems so lonely. always keeping a shield up with his incessant teasing. hardly ever having a conversation with another person. it seems like he's kept himself hidden from the entire world. even when he tries to reach out to the only person he cares about, my mother, he won't or can't connect.

my brother has always been an enigma to me. his presence was always ghostly: like he was there but he wasnt. off in his own world. and there was a time when i was so mad at him because of the way he treated me that i didnt want to consider him my brother. but as the years have crept by and we've both grown up a bit, he keeps surprising me. i always wonder what lies beneath his surface. what makes him tick. what makes him happy. and i wonder how he sees me, even though we hardly know anything about each other. i want to support him and be his friend; i just dont know if our relationship will allow it.

it breaks my heart that they can't get along. that it had to come down to an explosion that led to my dad kicking my brother out of the house and my brother refusing to live under his roof. is it their stubbornness? is it their astrological signs? is it the lack of communication?

it's only the beginning of this battle so my outlook is pretty dim.

i hope that your heart's always warm

good as mine

it feels like living is embodied by all these illusions that you build up but life is the driving force that breaks down those illusions and makes you realize that nothing is guaranteed and nothing is permanent.

even so, life goes on. it has to.

god put a smile upon your face