the lamp is burning low upon my tabletop

the epic august 30th has come and is slowly leaving. as the sun sinks behind the horizon, casting a warm hazy glow upon the sky, i hold tightly to the beauty that is endowed in life, amazed at how much richer life has become. the pain is always there but it is real and reminds you how alive you are.

i listen too much to what others say sometimes. when most of the time the answers lie within me, just hidden from my own consciousness.

how do you know if someone likes you and how much they like you?

it's nice to have an inner circle. it feels like home.

here's to reading the newspaper with classical music in the background, trying new foods at restaurants, falling asleep when someone else is driving, consoling hugs after lots of pain, self-portraits, laughing so hard it hurts, studying better with someone else in the room, and notes left for loved ones.

i can follow an established set of principles

feeling tired by the fire

haha, hahahahah, i finally had my first "clubbing" experience. hahahahah. =) yes, me. but it was cool. humroy tried to steer me away and scare me; i guess he wasn't too fond of the place and all. but i still went with alex, lucy, and riley. haha! it was sooo funny. i kept soaking in the fact that i was at a club. but i was picky-picky-PICKY with the music. oh so! it wasn't as foul and loose as humroy said but maybe i was expecting worse conditions because he primed me.

i was there to dance. that's why i wanted to go. and i was curious to know what it was all about. the strobe lights were cool for the first 3 times; they reminded me of high school or junior high. but towards the end, when they just threw on the bright white lights for seconds, it wasn't cool. haha. and boys? haha, they are soooooo funny. sooo cowardly. just makes me realize that if a guy cant come up to me to my face, i aint remotely interested or willing to be civil. its so wussy to come up and start dancing like i am dying to dance with ANY boy. i am not an ANY boy type. especially because i do not trust the male species. maybe ill try a 21 and up club sometime. =) fun.

GREs are still freaking me out. like no other. but we'll see how it goes.

happy birthday cassie!!!!

but i am ready to sleep for a week. to make up for the past 4 nights. i am incredibly exhausted and drained. perhaps the power of a wonderful conversation or the feeling of connectedness will help me glow again. like it usually does. =)

funny. i think love makes happiness happier and sadness sadder. interesting. a richer experience of life.

you brought the sunlight, completed my whole life

what the world needs now is love

the truth shall set you free. even if it takes a bit of time for it to come out. because for some, confronting an issue or concern takes all the guts they can muster inside them and borrow from some outside source. and thats what i had to do with my japanese family and alli.

my career counselor saw it in me when i came into her office yesterday. the overwhelmingness. she said, "you're not completely here." and we both knew that the personal life stuff and concerns about the future and capstone and GREs are overstressing me and hindering me from moving forward in any realm of my life. these qualms that i have make it difficult to act upon what i know i should do for myself.

but in other news, i am in love. with a movie. named garden state. but not solely because its indie and i have to go against the grain (although this is true sometimes...hehe). more so because there is awesome acting. and vulnerability. and life weaving throughout the entire movie. oh, how i love thee, let me count the ways...

so yes, that vulnerability thing, still draws me in. i feel like it allows me to see someone. because when someone is weak, they have no walls or defense mechanisms holding up their images or fronts. and their core reveals itself in all its beautiful flaws and secrets. and then the distance that kept others out is bridged by the truth and concern. and we become one for ephemeral moments.

[edit]

so why are we here? is it individual? is it all connected? is it about making money and spending it? is it about love? is it about following our personal mission and accomplishing it? because we are blessed to be able to have this opportunity to live and self-reflect. what are we to do with it?

i need you here with me tonight

go ahead be my guest

a feel good movie and good friend can really work to ease your pains and help you feel better. so today my award for fave person of the day goes to...

zwong.

for giving me so much to smile about. for all the laughs. for all the planning. for the full tummies. and for the money that i still owe you for watching a movie that will be remembered for many weeks to come. =D

in other unrelated bits of info, my dorm room is officially cozier. i added a few elements to the walls, in addition to the nice standing lamp and colorful curtain. so i am rocking this joint. finally. phew.

so this is it. this is life. all the smiles and laughter and pain and tears. all the heartache and longing and bliss and peace. this is all we have. and what a blessing.

i still get lost in your eyes

oh na na na

mneumonics are my new best friend! for my GRE course, i have a list of words to memorize by tuesday. and ill have a quiz on them. but luckily, a quiz on mneumonics that i come up with.

in other news, nothing is really going on.

it is definately interesting being back, like i anticipated. it's weird for my graduating class because no one knows where they fit. like a broken puzzle trying to figure out where each piece fits. i knew that the spring study abroaders would need time to reacquaint themselves to soka life. but i did not anticipate, and was not able to obviate, the fact that the fall study abroaders would be confused as to who to hang out with, who their friends are, etc. so everyone's trying to figure it out while new, fresh faces walk the halls. i personally have nothing against the freshmen nor do i make many efforts to meet them. =/ but if they come up to me, i will be friendly and civil. i'm still trying to figure out the friend thing at school, the friends at home, the future thing, the job thing, the post grad thing, the boyfriend thing. so we'll see.

i wish you were here

can i find my way?

summer days are gone too soon
you shoot the moon and miss completely
and now you're left to face the gloom
an empty room that once smelled sweetly
...
now the fall is here again
you cant begin to give in, its all over
when the snow's come rolling though,
you roll in too with some new lover.
...
will you think of times you told me
that you knew the reason
why we had to each be lonely
it was just the season.

amazing grace how sweet the sound

you are beautiful but you dont mean a thing to me

the fears of the future haunt me in my daily steps and evening dreams. i cant see what i can be so i cant plan where to go. i am hopeless and helpless, frozen by my own frustration. but if i do not move forward somehow, i will be broken when the time comes because i will be unprepared and unready for what lies ahead.

so im back at school, pretty much settled in but still trying to make my room homier. luckily, with the creation of curtains, this place looks pretty rad. and the help of zee and mitz and alli. but i still want posters, although i cannot find any that i really like. do you have any ideas? what suits me? im stressed because i have to think of possible senior thesis ideas in addition to figuring out what i am going to do post graduation. im not sad, but the stress is making me draw inward and kinda sulk. so im kinda wah now. really out of it. isolated even. oh well...

i have to find a job if i want to go to europe next summer. gadzooks! =I

carve your heart out yourself

now that i can see you, i dont think you're worth a second glance

more pet peeves:

• when the other person on the other line doesn't say anything after ive said hello twice.
• when the person you are having a coversation with is so absorbed in their own world that they are talking about their budget while you are talking about how mad you are.
• people who honk at people who ride beach cruisers.

thoughts ive had today:

• how grateful i am for oldest siblings.
• how i want my parents to be my friends now.
• safety is an illusion.

songs on repeat:

• try by nelly furtado
• ghost of a good thing by dashboard confessional

people i saw today:

• lisa k
• the boy's mom
• the boy
• tim
• lilly

people i want to see:

• cassie
• andy
• sammie

they will see us waving from such great heights, "come down now," they'll say.

i know you i walked with you once upon a dream

i was driving yesterday for about an hour in traffic on the 405N and northbound on brookhurst, when i stopped at the light at hazard. as i stopped and changed the music to fit my mood, a small flock of birds flew overhead in a nice formation, without the worries of cars and gasoline, without the shackles that ground feet and wheels to the ground. i marvelled at the freedom and ease that birds have and wished momentarily that i could leave behind the concerns and creations of human life for something simple and basic. a second flock flew over the intersection as my wish faded into the baseline of some "traffic jam" song.

i keep seeing mariposas (butterflies). i hope that is a symbol of good luck. i need it now.

and just as i was typing, a hummingbird flew in front of my window. for a few seconds. maybe they are trying to tell me that i need to find my own wings.

im going crazy crazy crazy just thinking about you, baby

it feels like home to me

because i am home. at the moment. and it was just yesterday afternoon that i left home to go to school. but it was a severely long day and several hours. like the bubble that is soka took me in, chewed me up, sucked the life out of me, and spit me back out. not that it wasn't a good day. for the first time ever, i beat allison to school. =D and we frolicked and mingled as the boxes came undone and the chores were accomplished. in the midst of headaches and bad-because-im-lost driving, i saw andy, tets, taeko, barnaby, yuya, gonzalo, nicole, kimberly, vincent, justin, mike-o, sheldon, isamu, edinam, mayumif, vicki, alan, mike, shawn, stanley, kimiko, bill, mayumia, shiro, lisad, lisak, michelle, hyon, ryo, yuko, kelleigh, and others. and i got to spend quality time with allison, pilipino, and ellie. sheesh! so fun.

and now, after lots of rugs that are too expensive and curtains that are not the right color, i am at home. i just had dinner. my head aches. i am dehydrated. should shower. probably will go to target. and miss summer. yeah, like i told alli, i dont know how far away i can go if i pursue more schooling or want to tu loc. oi!

i want it that way

when you need directions I'll be the guide for all time. for all time

i need to go places. to be inspired. to explore. in order to live. wondrous mountains, everlasting fields, exquisite life exists and all i have to do is go somewhere and open my eyes. it does not have to be far or well-known. but i think i am attracted to the beauty of landscapes and nature, although i have lived for 21 years in fear of them. it is never too late though...

on a different note, someone asked me what romance means to me. and as i thought of it, it seemed simple and cheap: i like little trinkets that show me that someone is/was thinking of me. a note hidden away in a book im carrying around, an email to say "im thinking of you," a flower picked from a plant during a walk. it never has to be extravagant and huge or showy. i mean, id like to think that i can enjoy the simple pleasures in life.

[edit] this morning i had a random dream. about me and zee travelling somewhere. and somehow, we ended up at mikee's house right before leaving to go home. and his dad was there to give him money. and his mom was worried about us eating. and while i was packing, he took off his shirt. but i didn't even look at him through the corner of my eye... that came out of nowhere!

remember the first day when you took me out? we had butterflies although we try'd to hide it

so this is the new year and i dont feel different

You
will see
me fall when
I no longer care
to live this
life so
alone.


ive said this before, realized this before. but it always come back and compels me to write about it. that in the end, we are always alone. at the end of the night, we are alone. even if there is someone sleeping besides us. we fall asleep alone. at the end of high school, we embark from those gates alone to our new endeavors, unless there are some we know who go with us. when college ends, we walk down the aisle alone. when we go to work, we go to work by ourselves. so that by the time we die, we die alone. so why do i continue to have this illusion that i am not? is it some inner longing to belong with other human beings that leaves me unsatisfied in the end? because when i think i have company, good company, i always come back to feeling alone. maybe i need a new way of thinking: that being alone is not a bad thing. that i should go against my human nature, the one that makes me a social creature, and just live in my loneliness. turn it into solitude. because solitude is not supposed to be that bad. right?

i know im overreacting. and there are moments to be alone and moments to be with people. but tonight is one of those nights where i wanted to be with people but it just didnt work. so i am going to be like this. because when something goes wrong, something else goes wrong and something else goes wrong. so you start waiting for things to go wrong. and when it doesn't, you're highly surprised because you truly believed that something wrong would happen but you get something mild or nice. expectations play a big part in life, dont they?

dont think what you are feeling.

there's hope for you yet

what's left for the summer 2004:

* pageant of the masters
* dancing
* knotts?
* sea world?
* santa monica pier?
* packing
* buffalo exchange


and the award for first GOOD movie of the summer that i have watched goes to... drum roll please... oh its a tie! between...

run lola run and almost famous!!!


the award for coolest day at the mall goes to...

free victoria's secret panties spree!!!


the award for funnest new place visited goes to...

the actual beach part of long beach!!!


stay tuned! we'll have more award presentations after these messages.