Pained Writings

I see that UG ain't talking to me. Like I'm freaking invisible or something. I see. That's not cool and I can lie to myself as much as I want but I ain't feeling that. At all.

Never acknowledge that anything is good in your life. Unless you are ready for something to go wrong. Life just blows up in your face.

And it's just so damn funny how you can go from feeling so good about life to feeling so lost in the matter of hours. Damn, that is freaking funny out of the ears of life. I see that is so not funny at all.

Jealousy? It exists. Maybe I'm just jealous about how UG can acknowledge the existence of his friends publicly, but when it comes to me, I don't exist. Damn, that's freaking cool. Damn.

I see that I could be freaking asleep right freaking now but I AIN'T!!! Someone freaking pull out the homicide or murder. NOW! This life...it ain't! This is freaking life ain't worth it.

And even if I seem to be upset, does he say anything to me? NO! Does he contact me in any way? NO!

My last entry? That freaking screwed me over. Life sucks. Life is misery. Just cut yourself from its painful claws. GET OUT! FREAKING NOW! Get out of this world and away from all of its horrible people and mistakes. This life...seems to be a mistake.

I see. Have a good freaking night.

"Every day you remind me why I love you."

It can be the smallest thing-- from the way he puts his arm around me when he walks me to my car to how he kisses me on my forehead to bringing me flowers unexpectedly-- but UG always makes me feel lucky. I always remember to cherish him. How can I not? "No one else comes close."

Open, my heart pours out its essence. The core of my being that allows me to sustain life is making its way out of my body. To go where, I don't know. This lump in my throat that doesn't help the words flow out, is constricted by the escape of my soul. And no one will understand how I feel right now. Not even myself. When I look back upon this entry. It'll all be forgotten because I was unable to genuinely express how I felt at this moment.

Maybe I can help you feel what I'm feeling. Like a knife carving out at your heart. The pain is torturous. Brought on by the non-reality that surrounds me. The human emotions that pervade every square inch of this world. The humanity that seeps from the most vile and horrid places. No one can escape the inevitability of what lies in the surface of everything--soul. Real life human soul. It brings you back from the pits of despair and revenge. Even when scorn saturates the entity, humanity can still spread throughout the entire body with the right spark. Personal effort. Connections that you have with someone else. It can change someone. Entirely.

Oh and Brian said that I'm a good girl for UG.

sometimes, like today, i marvel at how much i feel. even though i've never discussed it or been conscious of it. like how i feel about UG. no one ever really asks me and i don't ever talk to him about it. but i feel so much (just look at this thing). but seriously, while i was walking today, i was just thinking about how much i feel towards him. and how deep it feels. how deep it sounds. i could say it to him. i know. but i think it would change the dynamics of our relationship. ours isn't one where we speak of obvious things. like we never said, "I like you" or "be my boyfriend." if we started, it'd be different. totally. wow! so full of... =)

Which Kiss Are You?

Find your emotion!

Brian really helped me see my relationship from another perspective. Talking to him revealed the side of UG that I don't have access to and haven't been trying to access. The fact that Brian is really close with UG gave validity to what he was saying. Brian knows UG well. So he has authority when he speaks of UG. I haven't been so lucky yet. And it could be that Brian is on UG's side. But he seemed genuine in his talk with me, that he was just talking to me. Here are some things that I still remember from our loitering talk outside of our Spiderman theatre waiting for UG and Jeff to finish watching Star Wars.

Brian brings up the conversation by saying, "What made you go out with UG?"

Brian said I shouldn't let UG get away with being late or other things.

Brian used to sit next to UG when he was talking to me on the phone. He thought that I liked UG because of how nice I was to UG.

When Brian heard that UG and I got together, he thought, "UG finally got his wish."

Brian's mother knows that out of all of his friends, they can count on UG.

Brian asked me if I felt like UG and I wasted time. I said no. The way I say it is, if we had gotten together in 8th or 9th grade, we wouldn't have lasted for very long. We both wouldn't have been mature enough to handle a serious relationship. And we would have ended up breaking up after a few months, if we were lucky. Waiting for five years prepared us for each other and what we're able to have now.

Brian thinks that out of all of my boyfriends, UG treats me the worst. He brought up J and how he must have treated me so good. And all I have to say back to that is UG is not anyone else. I can't compare him with my other boyfriends. I can't say that he should drive me places like J did or give me presents like R did. UG is UG and comparing him to others does not do him any justice.

I told Brian that out of all my boyfriends, UG is at the top.

Brian asked me if I was comfortable with UG. I told him that I felt comfortable with UG in all ways except emotionally.

Brian asked me if UG's mother liked me. I told him that sometimes it feels like she likes me more in the way she acts towards me. Brian said he wished he could find a girl that his mother could like too.

Brian told me (and Pa and Li) how Bob and him once made UG soooooooooooo angry that UG cried. They were awe-stricken.

Brian told me that he could see it in UG (how he feels about me or what the relationship means to him).

I know that I am passive. But that has been my nature. Recentely, I have given my warning that I am going to be more assertive. After being asked about what it is I want and why it's never about what I want, I am determined to be more assertive: to tell people about my needs, my wants, and my opinions. I suppose that means that I have to know those things myself, which has been a problem in the past. I need to make an effort to be conscious of what I want and need in my life and from others. I saw The Joy Luck Club for a reason. I have to know my worth in my relationships with others. I can't just let people step over me. If I feel something and it concerns them, they should know. If they make me wait, I have to say something. If they hurt me, I have to let them know. It may sound like a broken record, but I need to continue to reaffirm. I am on my road to assertiveness.

Tender Scrawls
Uyen Nguyen
16 May 2002

6
You dance around in my mind,
even when I'm not thinking about you.
You grace my dreams with you.
Like the soft smoke of incense
caressing the air with its fragrance,
you lingered in my subconscious
and fell silently upon my skin,
leaving your essence to drift
on and in me.
Your ethereal movement gently
solaced me and accompanied me
through the depths of my mind,
through the depths of loneliness,
leaving your presence with me,
like the angel that you are,
flying beside me and
watching over me.

I forgot how much I enjoyed just talking to him. I can't believe that I went four years without it. [uyen smiles] Hmm...

I opened my eyes
And I remembered,
Today can be a good day.
My heart felt light
My soul felt sweet
My mind felt humbled
And I got out of bed.
I walked with a bounce
I smiled with glee
I listened with my eyes.
Today was a good day
And I allowed it to be.

There are some things in my life that I deeply want. But no one knows, not even the conscious me. The only one that truly knows my deepest desires is my subconscious, that place where everything coagulates into unidentifiable, non-reliable, and confusing dreams. You can see that from my postings from Sunday, April 21 and Tuesday, April 23 (Tender Scrawls 3). But as The Alchemist says, it takes a strong person undiluted by the world's harshness to dream. Am I strong enough?

You have to put in the effort if you want something to be worthwhile. Nothing will mean anything unless apart of you is apart of it.

My other one eyed fish...makes my heart smile. Can't wait for my birthday present.

Feeling superb.

Sometimes, you can be amazed at the smallest things.

I was having a bad time--pain in my head was just not letting go of its wrath on me. I felt so miserable. But the excitement of him coming turned me into a different person.

And beyond the energy I had to see him, I just realized how amazing he is. He would freak out if he read this (actually he just wouldn't believe me), but he is so wonder-full to be around. He makes you feel good when he smiles; the world's fears clear out when he laughs. It seems possible that he can dissolve your pain, just when you see that happiness in his eyes. You probably can't believe this either, if you know who I would be talking about, but it definately exists--this side of him. And I know how blessed I am to witness it.

I sound completely different. I know. I feel completely different right now. He melted away all my pain and all of my concerns with his encouraging eyes and reassuring smile; with him, I know things can be better. And things are.

Thank you. There is more. And it can be good. Tell him I said thank you for making the clouds part.

It is amazing to be with him. He can make all my worries vanish. He can also help me solve those fears. He is so good.

I know I am lucky. How many people have seen this side of him?

And the way he so seriously brought up this one subject made it seem like it was really going to happen. That he was really thinking about it. And how many times has he ever thought of that with someone?

You know that smile that comes across your face when you're with that certain someone? It feels good. It feels good.

"Es tan corto el amor, y es tan largo el olvido." -Pablo Neruda

Maybe I already know. But I am not sure of myself.

Maybe in a future lifetime, I will be able to know absolute love. Maybe, I will know how to love.

Loneliness. Hurts. Makes you sad.

excerpt from 10 March 2002, Sunday, 145am

I don't think he knows. I've never just told him. I'm not sure why. There seems to be a thin film covering me that keeps me from saying all that I want to say to people. Even to people like him. The people I love.

But that's not it. Not what I'm referring to right now, at least. No, what I want him to know is what he means to me.

Follow me with this story.

If I found out I was dying, I would call those who meant something to me to see me.

After my brothers, my father, my mother, my adopted sister, my sis, my friend mate, my piglet, and my close friends came, I would want him to come. I would have him sit besides me. I would say to him, " As different as we've always been and with all that we've been through, you have made me a better person: you have shown me different perspectives, you have opened my eyes, you have helped me realize the things in life that I could hardly understand on my own. You have helped me enjoy life. You have enriched my spirt with your wisdom, youth, and humanity. With everything you've been and done for me, I am only more convinced that you have been my best friend for all these years."

I would look him straight in the eyes and tell him, "If I could only have your arms around me, I would feel good going wherever it was I was going to."

Hopefully, I would have the strength left to extend my arms to him. And we should share an embrace so powerful that it could sustain the world from all the burdens imaginable for centuries to come. And since it would be ending, I would say to him, "Because I've loved you so much for so long."

It appears that most of my relationships with males are unfulfilling. If it isn't discomfort physically, then it's mentally or emotionally or psychologically. Many of the relationships I have have recently been analyzed to determine what in the nature of the relationship is unsatisfying. I believe that many of my relationships with men have gone wrong because of my initial relationship with a male: my father. Our relationship is ravaged with discomfort and coldness, along with a vast gap between dialogue and discussion. I've been trying to work things out. But it's been extremely hard. He doesn't seem to want to work it out. But I still have to keep going at it. If I don't, I'll never be happy. Back to my other relationships, I seem to look for my ideal father in them. Because I wasn't able to get that from my own father. But they can never live up to that. Because they just aren't my father. And they can never be.

And I have to admit that I feel an emotional disparity between him and myself. I wish it was okay for me to feel and for him to feel and for us to feel together. But I don't think he can handle that. He's revealed that he is uncomfortable with it. I wish I could just say to him, "I want you to be okay with emotions. And I know it's hard. But are you willing to work on it?" I want him to be willing to change, unlike my father. I want him to be all that I want.

But I'm just being selfish. If he doesn't want to change or be what I want, I should accept him or leave him. But that is not what I want; I don't want to leave. I wonder why...why I feel that I want to only be with him? Why I feel like he's the one? Like I say, he is just who I need in my life right now. It is up to me to figure out why and to learn from it.