if you haven't looked through my archives, don't. they are pretty emo, cryptic, and quite personal. i don't think anyone else could understand them.

darn. i still remember...

and it makes falling asleep hard.

but all's well that ends well, right?

darn.

Tradewinds
By: Pepper

My heavens low but the songs the same
Seems I'm always looking when I hear your name
You've been away but don't leave this side
Seen all of your faces you've tried to hide
So I'm sitting here in a train station
Traveling to an unknown destination
Oh, I always seem to try
Still I'm one... still I'm one to testify and I say

I'll find a way to let you know
Hold me close when tradewinds blow
Chances are you're over me
I'll catch that train eventually

To the questions that you're asking
I've only expected everything
These arms of mine are burning
As I see, as I see the pages turning

I'll find a way to let you know
Hold me close when tradewinds blow
Chances are you're over me
I'll catch that train eventually

I'll find a way to let you know
Hold me close when tradewinds blow
Chances are you're over me
I'll catch that train eventually

Said I'm sorry
Said I'm sorry
I'm a lover
I'm a lover who says he's sorry
Said I'm sorry
Said I'm sorry
I'm a lover
I'm a lover who says he's sorry
Said I'm sorry
Said I'm sorry
I'm a lover
I'm a lover who says he's sorry

ps: i have calluses on my fingers again from all the guitar playing! the singing is coming along at the expense of the accuracy of the notes. haha! but it'll come together! it has to!

pps: para el amor...

The Way I Am
By: Ingrid Michaelson

If you were falling, then I would catch you.
You need a light, I'd find a match.

Cuz I love the way you say good morning.
And you take me the way I am.

If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I'll make it better.

Cuz I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am.

I'd buy you Rogaine if you start losing all your hair.
Sew on patches to all you tear.

Cuz I love you more than I could ever promise.
And you take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.

it's all because of you

last night, i branched out socially. and hung out with a new friend and her friends. it was a bit scary. and i didn't want to go to the potluck. but after going, it was good. so i am glad i gave in to peer pressure. we played some guitar. and ate some goodies. and just hung out. when i left and said "bye" to everyone, they all gave me hugs, like they've known me for a while. for whatever reason, it was nice.

in other news, i have become LOVE's next biggest cheerleader! after hearing the disappointment from my brother last night who wanted to visit his girlfriend in hawai'i but heard that there were no tickets available, i used my searching skills to find a decently priced ticket. he flew out 11 hours later to surprise her for her birthday! i was so jazzed all day; hearing the updates from him and his accomplice (a super former roommate! thanks for all your help!) made me so excited i couldn't focus on studying! aww, and when i called to see what had happened, i heard from a very happy pisces birthday girl that she found her boyfriend at her door! awww! it warms my heart. i'm such a sucker for love and romance! viva el amor!

bio quiz tomorrow. will study and see how it goes. so that i can hang out with my other former roommate who is in town and help her celebrate and enjoy her vacation time! weee! ahhh! i'm so lucky!

<3!

First Love
By: Utada Hikaru

Saigou no KISU wa
TABAKO no flavor ga shita
NIGAkute setsunai kaori

Ashita no imagoro ni wa
Anata wa doko ni iru n darou
Dare wo omotterun darou

You are always gonna be my love
Itsuka dareka to mata koi ni ochitemo
I’ll remember to love
You taught me how
You are always gonna be the one
Ima wa mada kanashii love song
Atarashi uta utaeru made

Tachidomaru jikan ga
Ugokidasou to shiteru
Wasuretakunai koto bakari

Ashita no imagoro ni wa
Watashi wa kitto naiteru
Anata wo omotterun darou

You will always be inside my heart
Itsumo anata dake no basho ga aru kara
I hope that I have a place in your heart too
Now and forever you are still the one
Ima wa mada kanashii love song
Atarashii uta utaeru made

You are always gonna be my love
Itsuka dareka to mata koi ni ochitemo
I’ll remember to love
You taught me how
You are always gonna be the one
Ima wa mada kanashii love song
Now & forever...

no one can get in the way of what i feel for you

"Puedo Escribir"
Por: Pablo Neruda

puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.

escribir, por ejemplo: "la noche está estrellada,
y tiritan, azules, los astros, a lo lejos."

el viento de la noche gira en el cielo y canta.

puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
yo la quise, y a veces ella también me quiso.

en las noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos.
la besé tantas veces bajo el cielo infinito.

ella me quiso, a veces yo también la quería.
cómo no haber amado sus grandes ojos fijos.

puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
pensar que no la tengo. sentir que la he perdido.

oir la noche inmensa, más inmensa sin ella.
y el verso cae al alma como al pasto el rocío.

qué importa que mi amor no pudiera guardarla.
la noche está estrellada y ella no está conmigo.

eso es todo. a lo lejos alguien canta. a lo lejos.
mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.

como para acercarla mi mirada la busca.
mi corazón la busca, y ella no está conmigo.

la misma noche que hace blanquear los mismos árboles.
nosotros, los de entonces, ya no somos los mismos.

ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero cuánto la quise.
mi voz buscaba el viento para tocar su oído.

de otro. será de otro. como antes de mis besos.
su voz, su cuerpo claro. sus ojos infinitos.

ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero tal vez la quiero.
es tan corto el amor, y es tan largo el olvido.

porque en noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos,
mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.

aunque éste sea el último dolor que ella me causa,
y éstos sean los últimos versos que yo le escribo.

and you take me the way i am...

i can play an entire song all the way through on guitar now, though i could practice a load more! yay to "this is not an exit"! after that, i will attempt to sing and play! and by then, ill sell my things and go on tour with saves the day!

someday we'll know why i wasn't meant for you

you might not know this about me, but i have a pretty big ego. it's usually dormant. asleep. but rears its ugly head here and there. and it is my ego that keeps me from telling someone i am sorry. or looking at someone when i have felt embarrassed or ashamed. so i figure it is my ego, as it is probably the case for others too, that gets me to stop talking to someone important to me.

i hope my ego stops feeling butt hurt and goes back to sleep soon.

never find a love like this

being that i am now an official part of z's mandala, it makes me very grateful to have extended family. having grown up solely within my nuclear family, i missed out on knowing what it is like to be a part of a community: not being able to hide out in your room when you are upset, learning how to use humor as a way to relate to people, dealing with issues whether or not you want to, asking for help, etc. it is also very touching to know that you do not have to share the same blood to be cared about or loved.

this i also learned from my roomies in hawai'i. it scared me to think that i could ever feel at home without my parents and brothers; i resisted for as long as i could. but i realized i can create ties and bonds that are just as strong.

i <3 the people that are in my life. and i wish we could always be together in the same space. but as i spread my wings, i am learning that we will always be together in thought and mind.

peace.

joyful, joyful, lord, we adore thee

SAD? yeah, it's coming up. that infamous day...

i've only officially been a valentine twice. and both times, i sorta asked the guy. and neither one was my significant other.

i mean, i love hearts! and i love red and pink. and flowers are beautiful! and being romantic seeps from my cytoplasm (don't mind my bio speak). but, maybe it's never been a big deal because it's kinda forced. and who wants to force something as powerful as love? or sweet as romance?

i still like the thought of pampering/celebrating myself because i know exactly what i want: candles flickering. great music playing. cookie eating. red tulips decorating.

and maybe i've yet to have a partner who would appreciate my sentimentality and romance for such a day.

i hope that this year's SAD is not sad. it could very well be, considering everything. but i was proactive and at least i won't be alone. :)

here's to chaya. and a little indulgence!

to you and yours!

i'm not gonna write you a love song 'cause you asked for it...

[edit]

wow, three times in one day. i guess i have a lot to say...a lot of thoughts that need expelling.

haha, expelliarmus!

though i have no wand, i'm forcing some things to fly away. i'm packing up knick-knacks and trinkets. i'm gonna put some things away. shed some old skin.

it has been a constant battle between the past and the present. first i was in denial. that didn't last too long. then i tried being all mad! grr! probably for a day or two... maybe i bargained... but i wasn't aware of it if i did. and i guess now i'm in the next stage. sheesh! i have to keep trying new tactics to be present. i had to do a big sweep of my music on my iPod and iTunes. laaame.

not to mention that i could not study for the life of me today. i finally succumbed to the fact that it wasn't going to happen after 9 hours of trying and only 30 minutes of productivity.

i'll try tomorrow. and if i can't will myself to do it, i'll just have to accept that i won't do well on this first exam. wow, i guess i'm growing out of my hard-core student nature. haha...

cool clip. thanks, rob!

you came in with the breeze on sunday morning

sundays are the second best day of the week [next to uyensday, that is ;)]. who could say no to the ease and simplicity? the uplifting feeling of having rested from a long week and the stillness to plan and see before the week starts?

my sundays have always included catching up: on laundry, on cleaning, on homework. on rest. on relaxation. right after and right before all of the crazy stress. sundays are the days that i do not have to worry so i can fully function and take care of business. so even though they could be lazy days, they are usually my most productive.

what are your sundays like?

a face lift. for 2008. for the year of the rat. for moving forward.

we'll do it all, everything on our own

as i sat in spanish class, i fumbled through my backpack to find a pen. and upon searching, i stumbled upon the silver chained necklace with the winged skull pendant that has lied dormant in the inner pocket for months. i took it out for the first time since i had last used it for luck and wrapped it around my wrist twice, the way i wore it when i received it months ago.

it was from a student. he had wanted me to keep it and to give it to someone else who needed luck and hope. but i did not feel right. so he told me that i could keep it until our paths crossed again.

while my professor spoke about "algunas" and "mandatos," i thought of him. and the others. and all of them. and how long it feels like it has been since we were all together. but how it has really only been a few months. how life moves on in such a short amount of time. and how i miss them. incredibly.

but this is all the time i can spend thinking about this past. i have reminisced and felt loss and felt sad. now i must move forward. so i can be present in this current moment.

no one can get in the way of what i feel for you

[edit]

i am almost done studying for my bio quiz. but i still have to catch up on a chapter and learn it by next week's exam. but i am all over it.

i adore thefray. and she has really helped me to realize that i need to move forward and take care of my business.

so it isn't true that all pisces are dreamers who cannot get anything done! here i go! solid, reality testing. my to-do lists.

starting now. going for as long as possible.
* sleep by 12am. (healthier skin and better health)
* be present in the moment. (less stress)
* return phone calls. (consideration)

new projects.
* read my books written in spanish. (improve my spanish)
* watch movies i know well in spanish. (improve my spanish)

to watch.
* sisterhood of the traveling pants.
* 27 dresses.
* eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.
* high fidelity.
* before sunrise.
* la misma luna (3/19/09).
* the motel.


priorities.
* maintain important relationships.
* maintain my health and happiness.
* get a job and get experience.
* enjoy my life.