i know eventually we'll be together

like something is tearing through
my body, ravaging tissue and
organs, cells and blood. might as
well have shrapnel bursting through
my body because at least the pain
would be due to something specific
instead of my own feelings.

as i say goodbye to a way of life i thought i had designed for me

how long will it be before we go insane?

im going crazy. so crazy. crazy, crazy. must stop thinking.

i know it's not fair. but its easy to show you don't care for someone. but when they stop showing that they care or that they don't need you, it sucks soo much. ::hmph::

i need to open up the lines of communication. but when? and how? because if i dont figure out stuff soon, i wont be able to handle everything i have to do in the next 3 weeks.

please help.

i wish they all could be california girls

got me looking so crazy

lay on the floor and
pretend like someone
is beside me, holding
me, comforting me.

be not afraid

even though i try, i can't let go

so i already had this thought but i thought of it again this past week. most boys operate out of convenience for themselves. mostly doing something because it's a good day for them, a good hour. this is a problem because i extend myself, even when i have things i need to do or i don't feel like going somewhere. why have i been taught to be so accomodative and generous? especially to people who just take advantage of it?

less thoughts, more actions

i figured out what i am most grateful for this year:
to be able to spend thanksgiving at home, with my family and friends. period.

thank you.

human emotions are tricky little things. always throwing you right and left, making you hop through hoops. maybe that is only when you let them control you.

so even though i would like to wallow and be completely negative because im confused, let me just make a thanksgiving eve's list of what i am grateful for.

* good food
* ability to eat out whenever i want
* fabulous music that keeps me company
* my vision, even though it's slightly off
* drinkable water
* heaters
* extra warm blankets in uninsulated bedrooms
* comfortable beds
* my job
* felicity, the tv series
* my eyeglasses, even though they hurt my head sometimes
* finding the perfect pillow this year (down alternative rocks!)
* "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind"
* "garden state" soundtrack
* death cab for cutie's "transatlanticism"
* mornings where i want to listen to happy music
* recognizing that i have wings
* girls' nights out
* friends who know how to order me good drinks
* my spot on campus
* warm days where i can swim in the mornings
* jumping into the ocean
* capacity to feel openly, without being stigmatized
* new experiences
* learning new bits of information about long-time friends
* best friends
* cut fruit
* how freaking hilarious "my sassy girl" is and that annt has an all region dvd player
* wanting things but understanding that i don't have to have it
* being granted my first real credit card
* realizing how grateful i am for studying abroad last year

just bend the pieces till they fit

i hold you closer

the cold is chilling my bones. and my heart. and all i want to do is walk somewhere, pass shops, people watch, sit at a park bench where no one would recognize me, and sit invisible in the world.

tell why you have been so sad

i thought i could handle xmas but i cant even listen to KOST without tearing up. i just don't have the heart for it this year.

i wish i could just melt away, away, away

you are driving me home

the cold is chilling my bones. and my heart. and i wish i was somewhere where i could just go for a walk. pass some shops. people watch. stare off into space at some park bench. like i was invisible. where no one would recognize me.

::sigh::

can you tell me why you have been sooo sad?

i thought i could handle xmas, but i dont think i can do it. i can't even listen to KOST without tearing up to some classic xmas song. maybe i'll be able to melt away for xmas this year... away, away, away.

i held you closer

it's a long way home

i don't know why ive been freaking out so much over dumb gre's. im not planning on going to grad school now. i don't have applications due. i can take them again. it's just an insignificant test in my life. ::sigh:: but i still hyperventilated, i still paced myself to sleep, i still freaked out to everyone i talked to. is it because im a perfectionist? even though i have no expectations of how i'm going to do? is it because i don't feel prepared? is it because i'm inimidated by ets?

it's about time i feel the strength i have inside. im sick of always thinking that i am incapable, when i know that i can do something, even if it's not 1000%.

i am off to reclaim myself in the face of an evil money-making company who has a monopoly over standardized tests in the states. you don't deserve my fear, ets!

remember to breathe

carry me down

finally, a breath of fresh air. how sweet and soothing it has been. last night i went to sleep at around 1030, because a horrible migraine that refused to go away. and i woke up at 830am. not too shabby. quite refreshing. and i did not get tired until i was reading for my r&e class. today was such a beatiful day that i intended to bike to do errands. but i managed to pump out all the air while trying to fill it up with air. ::sigh:: anyway, it was a lovely, lovely day. ::smile::

however, i have been holding off on something pressing, urgent. how much can i do? i have less than a week for a standardized test designed for most of those taking it to fail. freaking bell curve. we'll see.

last week's key moments:
* battle wound from fencing in line
* turning in my cr paper
* re-watching bridget jones' diary

love is so bilnd, it feels right when its wrong

overcome me

we'll see what happens. i keep falling into familiar patterns but mostly from following my own heart. am i wrong? am i blinded? how do i stop? should i stop? when will i give myself the time to deal with it?

as hard as it is for me to say, maybe my holding on to things causes others pain because it causes me pain. maybe i have to let go in order to free others from my pain.

maybe all i want is someone to love me and walk with me through this life, sharing memories and making new ones together.

but everything means nothing if i aint got you

this is fact not fiction for the first time in years

i should have given you a reason to stay.

all the girls in every girly magazine can't make me feel less alone

im reaching for the phone
to call the 703
and on your machine
i slur a plea
for you to come home.

but i know it's too late

i try on my blue shirt; she told me she liked it

i cant find words nowadays. in fact, tears stream faster than the creation of letter combinations. perhaps it is due to the recent overload of pages to read, sheets and sheets of useless words all designed to test my ability to follow directions in order to receive a relatively unimportant letter grade that should have little impact to my self-worth. but they always have, those pesky little grades, for reasons unknown to me. ive just been chasing after them, working the system and stressing myself out. to the point that my body is now unable to handle stressors.

:Sigh:

id give it all away just to have someone to go to

im tired of this distance

i can feel the stress weighing me down these days, as i pull my heavy feet along in the last leg of this college race. i think i have a heavy heart too. but i can't even tell anymore. the blur of jpsp articles, capstone proposals, attachment theory notes, paper products in the supply room at work, and liters upon liters of water has me so disoriented that im not even trying to clarify anymore. like ive given up once more.

the other day, while standing in line at the voting polls, i looked around and realized how much ive grown up and how close i am to adulthood: career path, marriage, car payments, children? i thought of how close it all is but how i do not want to reach it yet. i think im trying to avoid it for as long as possible but i dont know why. perhaps that annoying fear of the unknown bit? yes, it is scary to imagine me married or working 40 hours a week.

in honor of vienna teng, here are some lyrics.

"she says 'I need not to need
or else a love with intuition
someone who reaches out to my weakness and won't let go'
...
reach out
but hold back.
where is safety?"

feeling someone's hand around my neck