i remember feeling this way when i was 23...

23
By: Jimmy Eat World

I felt for sure last night
That once we said goodbye,
No one else will know these lonely dreams,
No one else will know that part of me.
I'm still driving away
And I'm sorry every day.
I won't always love these selfish things
I won't always live...
Not stopping.

It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time.
No one else will have me like you do,
No one else will have me, only you.

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time.
What are you hoping for?
I'm here and now I'm ready
Holding on tight.
Don't give away the end,
The one thing that stays mine.

Amazing still it seems,
I'll be 23.
I won't always love what I'll never have
I won't always live in my regrets.

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time.
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight.
Don't give away the end,
The one thing that stays mine

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time.
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight.
Don't give away the end,
The one thing that stays mine...

i decided i wanted to choose and commit to social work. and just do it. and i told bob that and he told me it would be hard because i give a lot of myself. i didn't really consider that, and if i would have, i wouldn't have seen it as a problem. but i guess it will be. and it'll probably lead to a lot of headaches and knots in my shoulders. and me learning where my boundaries are. but i think it'll be okay; it'll have to be. unless i decide to become a web developer or something. [shrugs]

i just watched "the nanny diaries" and it was a feel good movie. except how come in real life, the harvard hottie boys don't chase down the jersey girls? where are the good ones? jess, you have to get on the first phase of your wedding planning! ;) and while you're at it, can you download skype so we can talk without pesky limited phone minutes? :D

i wish i could say that i was over it. clean and free. but i'm not and probably won't ever be. but i will get better at living without it. i will get better at keeping it to myself if i remember it. i have to. practice makes permanent, right?

tomorrow i'll start at square one. see if i can whip out a sentence. in the meantime, i sleep so that my mind can play out everything i don't allow it to.

i just survived one of the busiest weeks i've had in a while! here are highlights, details, and tidbits.

don't walk around town in flat sandals.

buddy, the dog, followed me around the ivy house! i felt so loved!

i went camping for the second time in my life in tahoe at the fallen leaf lake campsite with ting-boz, mochi balls, and d.ditty.

waterfalls make you feel so small!

s'mores are the BEST!!!

pine cones and pine needles make for good bursts of flames in your fire.

i was so happy to wash my hand with soap and running water at the end of day one!

fenton's black and tan sundae is delicious!

i got to catch up with zee and kei.

i picked up jess from the airport thursday night to begin the graduation weekend after convincing my spanish professor to cancel our final exam and dinner with the familia!

brunch at the cottage on friday was yum and fun! with mitz, jess, cassie, and lisa.

taking a break from long ceremonies is helpful!

polaroids make every special occasion more fun!

i got the best hug of the year on friday!

another graduation followed by pirates of the caribbean 3. in addition to "pride and prejudice" and part of "ratatouille."

i scared phat's cat out of the room for the rest of the evening!

i went to the strawberry festival with lisa.

ate at the curry house with lisa and the fam.

hung out at downtown disney afterwards with lisa and ting boz and linh.

now i am recooperating and adjusting to the quiet.

just a heads up, i am out of text messaging till May 23rd! so please call my phone or drop me an email.

other than that, i watched a midnight showing of "prince caspian" and it was fantastic! probably because i had no expectations at all and it kept me on the edge of my seat for most of the 2 hours and 20 minutes! yikes!!! :D but i couldn't get it out of my head when i tried to sleep so my fitful dreams were filled with the kings and queens of old. haha.

i leave for northern california sometime after my dance final on saturday. we're going to spend a day in tahoe camping and then hang for a bit before heading back down to southern california.

did i tell you how much i dislike heat waves? : /

i hope keiks has fun in maui for the wedding!

i hope mits is as proud as we all are of her when she walks on monday!

i'll see my sua family soon!

Interesting facts from "Human Biology":

"Asia already has 56% of the world's population living on 31% of its arable (farmable) land. Therefore, Asia is expected to experience acute water scarcity, a significant loss of biodiversity, and more urban pollution. Twelve of the world's 15 most polluted cities are in Asia" (Mader, 523).

"In the water-poor areas of the world..., people may not have ready access to drinking water, and if they do, they water may be impure...actually, most fresh water is utilized by industry and agriculture. Worldwide, 70% of all fresh water is used to irrigate crops...Domestically, in the MDCs, more water is usually used for bathing, flushing toilets, and water lawns than for drinking and cooking" (525).

"Presently, about 6% of the world's energy supply comes from nuclear power, and 75% comes from fossil fuels; both of these are finite, nonrenewable sources" (528)

"Comparatively speaking, each person in the [Mostly Developed Countries (MDCs)] uses approximately as much energy in one day as a person in a [Lesser Developed Country (LDC)] does in one year" (528).

"Already, tropical rain forests have been reduced from their original 14% of landmass to the present 6%. Also, 60% of coral reefs have been destroyed or are on the verge of destruction; its [sic] possible that all coral reefs may disappear during the next 40 years" (531).

"If we want to preserve wildlife, it is more economical to save ecosystems than individual species" (533).

"Sustainability is, more than likely, incomptabile with the kinds of consumption/waste patterns currently practiced in the MDCs" (537).


For all the people who have become vegetarian or vegan for non-health related reasons, this section of my Human Biology book may provide insight as to why.

Domestic Livestock
" In the MDCs, many people tend to have more than enough protein in their diet. Almost two thirds of U.S. cropland is devoted to producing livestock feed. This means that a large percentage of the fossil fuel, fertilizer, water, herbicides, and pesticides we use are actually for the purpose of raising livestock. Typically, cattle are range-fed for about four months, and then they are brought to crowded feedlots where they receive growth hormone and antibiotics, while they feed on grain or corn. Most pigs and chickens spend their entire lives cooped up in crowded pens and cages.

If livestock eat a large proportion of the crops in the United States, then raising livestock accounts for much of the pollution associated with farming. Consider, also, that presently, fossil fuel energy is needed not just to produce herbicides and pesticides and to grow food, but also to make the food available to the livestock. Raising livestock is extremely energy-intensive in the MDCs. In addition, water is used to wash livestock wastes into nearby bodies of water, where they add significantly to water pollution.

...As a rule of thumb, for every 10 calories of energy from a plant, only 1 calorie is available for the production of animal tissue in a herbivore. In other words, it is extremely wasteful for the human diet to contain more protein than is needed to maintain good health. It is possible to feed ten times as many people on grain as on meant." (527)

i know that bigger things are happening in the world right now: 22,000 people found dead in Myanmar after a deadly cyclone, at least 10,000 dead in the aftermath of a 7.8 earthquake in China...the list goes on!

but something burns inside of me tonight, a deep desire to reach out to you and make you feel exactly what i am feeling. somehow opening up and finding the right words. that will evoke the precise sentiments beating in my chest.

yet, a huge wall restricts me: a fear of being honest. i remember the last time i tried to express myself and how it backfired on me. and i ran far and away, hiding under my covers from the humiliation that would not leave me alone. and i vowed not to expose myself again.

that's the tricky thing though. creating and writing are subject to criticism and misinterpretation, and although i have written for a huge part of my life, i have hardly let my writing be judged; i hardly had an audience. so maybe i'll dedicate myself to working on "tender scrawls" so i can reach my 2009 deadline and finally open myself and my writing up. it'll be good for my ego. hopefully, i'll learn to take criticism.

so i bid you adieu, as i attempt one last time tonight to "study" for bio.

what was the feeling that i so desperately wanted you to feel?

tonight, i am sad.

can you feel it?

what a nice way to end mother's week! i spent the day with mama wong! and it was loads of fun! including brunch at souplantation, exercise, slurpees, naps, shopping, and sushi! on saturday, i had dinner with my parentals and came back home to paint mama nguyen's toenails and fingernails!

i have my last bio exam tomorrow. sorta trying to study. it's not going well. but it does get my green blood pumping again. thus, i am listening to episode 148 of "more hip than hippie."

my ankle is hurting again: i guess dancing, more dancing, and walking doesn't help it. but all that activity definitely helped my body feel better!

i'm trying to figure out which song i will tackle next.

here's an excerpt from my textbook "human biology" by sylvia s. mader:

"Today, data collected around the world show a steady rise in the concentration of the various greenhouse gases [carbon dioxide, methane, etc]. These data are used to generate computer models that predict the Earth may warm to temperatures never before experienced by living things. The global climate has already warmed about 0.6[degrees]C [or 1.08 degrees F] since the industrial revolution. Computer models are unable to consider all possible variables, but the Earth's temperature may rise 1.5[degrees]C [or 2.7 degrees F] to 4.5[degrees]C [or 8.1 degrees F] by 2060 if greenhouse emissions continue at current rates."

Carbon dioxide in the atmosphere has increased from 280 parts per million (ppm) in 1850 to 350 ppm in 2006 due to the burning of fossil fuels (oil, natural gas, and coal). This means that every time we drive a car, ride in an airplane, use energy/electricity from a coal-burning power plant, we are pumping the gas into the atmosphere. And though carbon dioxide is a naturally occurring gas, the amounts that we have pumped into the atmosphere are not. And as the video I posted earlier stated, it's not the Earth we have to worry about (because it can take care of itself); it's the livelihood of all the species living on Earth including humans.

NEWS: Cell phones stay with their owner for about 18-24 months, which leads to about 125 million discarded cell phones a year in the US. Cell phones are quickly catching up with computers as the biggest category of e-wastes. What can you do? Check out Call2Recycle when you have a cell phone you have to get rid of and they will tell you where you can drop off your phone for recycling.

FUN: Weekly green horoscopes

Think globally. Act locally.

life doesn't work out the way you plan.

you shouldn't miss out on someone because you're waiting for someone else.

relationships aren't just about feelings; they are also about what you can learn from them and the other person.

everyone can benefit from a gym class.

it's easy to get lazy about living a greener life; try to surround yourself with green (social group, podcasts, etc.) so that you don't lose the momentum.

rest your injury so it doesn't last longer than it should.

show those around you that you care, even if it's something small.

- just things that i needed to hear. maybe you could use it too...

wow, this is my 701st post. last night, i decided that i would read my archives starting in march 2006. it was kinda crazy. but there was progress...

i really haven't been clubbing too many times. starting in 2004, i've been to... the boogie (gag), two in northern california, one in providence, v20, and the shark club. that makes a total of...6 occasions! oh, man.

i think i'm going to put my heart up for sale on craigslist. but before i do, any takers? haha.

go, santa ana saints! good luck next week!

i baked today. for my mom. and i shared the extras with friends. and though the cookie i made is the cookie i use to describe my soul, it's okay. i'm sure i'll find other pieces.

i thought i was done with these kinds of blogs but patron will do it to you every time!

i went to the health center at school today! got an opinion about my ankle. i have a few more weeks before i start to do some exercises. but aleve and a warm compress are going to help me for the time being! how cool! free visits!

other than that, not much going on. i'm just numb. or on cruise control again. trying to stay focused (classes, health, family, friends, etc.) and positive! i really wish i could be active! but i gotta make sure this ankle gets as good as possible. dumb tendons and ligaments! get some blood!

watch "teenage love affair"!

Going Green Corner

ways to reuse your dryer sheets!

and if you don't know what to get for your mother this year...

alicia keys was FANTASTIC! i now own two more of her albums. and wish i had a video camera for last night's performance. but i will have to hear her voice in my memories.

for mother's day this year, i am going to bake. no wasteful packaging or wrapping. just a lot of cushioning!

doo doo doo...

so when my mom leaves and goes out for the day, she'll leave behind these notes on the kitchen table. they range from asking me to do certain chores for her, what there is to eat in the refrigerator, etc. though they are cute, i often overlook them or pay no attention to them; i want to make my own eating decisions, mom!

but last night, after a nice day of taking my mom around for a belated birthday outing, i decided i was going to leave her a note! mostly because she was already asleep and i wouldn't see her before she left in the morning. this is what my note said: "mommy, have fun! good luck! <3, nina." i also drew a happy face in the empty space. i left it on the door that heads to the living room. i felt like a little kid. but then again, i love leaving and receiving notes! they always make my day! so why not leave one for my mom?



Going Green Corner

find things locally:
http://www.locallectual.com/
http://www.freecycle.org/

NEWS: ACE will recycle your compact fluorescent lamps (CFLs)!

interested in doing something to help?
take the may green challenge!
or read here for household items that you can reuse!