i'll be the greatest fan of your life

i want ketchup. i want my "ugly betty" so i can bring it up north with me to visit my brother. i want the village to stay together.

i need to study for bio.

you should tip her

last night, i treated my parents to dinner! yay! i outfought my father and won paying privileges! w00t w00t! i am stepping up!

i was also happy yesterday. i think it was all the dancing i was doing. i got me some salsa music and tried teaching my mom the basic step. and it was a whole bunch of fun! on top of the endorphins! weee!

today, i saw my doni. we ate brunch annnnd did some major damage at the department store! it was highly unhealthy to our bank accounts. but i could not help it! i have been looking for a jacket for so long! and is it my fault that i found two perfectly good ones that were not on sale? :( we'll see if i keep them but they are oh-so-grand!

tomorrow is uyensday. and as is custom, i hope it treats you all NICELY cuz uyen is nice. haha! j/k! buuut, i hope to do some fun and productive things for myself. and i hope you can too!

i <3 my spanish class and my dance class and volleyball. and sometimes, even bio! haha. my classes are saving my sanity! i don't know what i'd do without them. i know i'd be highly depressed and on meds by now.

and somehow, i've been away from the village and hawai'i for a month and two days. [sigh] i miss you!!!!!!! oooodles!!!!!!

please take care and stay warm.

you are in my heart.

he estado triste, casi deprimida. y no quiero ser una persona rompida.

i went to vibe 13. but i was really at vibe 12. like so much of my life the past month, i have not been present. i have been somewhere else, lost in some distant but familiar memory. a happier time. but all the while losing the precious moment that is happening now. i will get there. eventually. i will get back on my feet. after i stumble a little longer.

ahora, voy a dormir.

Excerpt of
Ghost of a Good Thing
By Dashboard Confessional

I guess it's luck, but it's the same
Hard luck, you've been trying to tame
Maybe it's love, but it's like you said,
"Love is like a role that we play."

But, I believe in you so much
I could die for the words that you say
But, I believe in you so much
I could die from the words that you say

But, you're chasin' the ghost of a good thing
Haunting yourself as the real thing
It's getting away from you again
While you're chasin' ghosts

Just bend the pieces til they fit
Like they were made for it
But, they weren't meant for this
No, they weren't meant for this

i guess we all chase things that were once good. because we want it or we want it back. and it's probably hope that keeps us running. that false sense of optimism that pushes us to believe when there is not much else. but at some point, if necessary, we have to see that there really is nothing. and we must let go.

i know you had to go away, i died just a little

letting go is a tough but quick process.

moving on is a tough and slow process.

so i am helping myself by trying to forget that boys have new girlfriends and that kids exist. for now. i have to trick myself to forget so that i don't dwell. because i am going to have involuntary relapses and moments that i cannot control. but consciously, i have to keep my thoughts free of things i need to forget.

i will go study now.

What's Your True Color?

My Result: Blue

You're blue — the most soothing shade of the spectrum. The color of a clear summer sky or a deep, reflective ocean, blue has traditionally symbolized trust, solitude, and loyalty. Most likely a thoughtful person who values spending some time on your own, you'd rather connect deeply with a few people than have a bunch of slight acquaintances. Luckily, making close friends isn't that hard, since people are naturally attracted to you — they're soothed by your calming presence. Cool and collected, you rarely overreact. Instead, you think things through before coming to a decision. That level-headed, thoughtful approach to life is patently blue — and patently you!

Take this test >

it's your godforsaken right to be loved, love

when i am around certain people, my heart calms and opens up wide, giving and receiving love freely. it listens. acts. and respects. it feels and empathizes.

but i have long moments and relationships, where i am less than loving. half-awake. reactive. toxic. and the level of relating is minimal.

the term is mindfulness. being present and aware. and i can be mindful naturally.

but i have to keep trying and i have to be aware with those certain relationships.

i've got to get a move on with my life

though it is hard to do that when i am camped out in bed, trying to get rid of my aching body, complete weakness, gnarly throat situation, and runny nose. [sniff sniff] i do not remember the last time i had flu-like symptoms so i feel miserable. but luckily, it hit hard quickly. and i am hoping it will be much improved by tomorrow. though i may need some sleep assistance...

i am armed with water, tea, "wellness formula", ginger, cough drops, tiger balm, and advil. i hope that once the achy feelings subside a little, i will be able to knock out and rejuvenate my worn out body from last night's hamburger flipping of my body.

i did finish my spanish homework in bed a few moments ago. and i have several more pages to go through for human bio but i hope to be done with that by sunday.

i was quite fortunate to be able to just stay in bed yesterday, when i was freezing and did not have the strength to push a huge cart around costco. my mom was in my room too, knitting, as i read some more harry potter 7. it was very cozy. and though it seems better when we do not speak these days, we were bonding. we both took a nap and regained some strength. and felt better when we awoke.

i am grateful for my father who takes care of the bills. i am grateful for my mother who takes care of our health. and i am grateful for warm blankets, though i am still cold. :)

meow!

Shirts And Gloves
By: Dashboard Confessional

When I'm back from the road,
then you're out on it.
And I'm tired of this distance
And I believe it's over, it's over-rated.
And this phone tag game is endless.
The novelty is wearing.
I'm hoping time will pass
without any assistance
or convincing.

Road rules apply
There's so much action,
You're getting busy.
So I'll call your cellular phone
to tell you TV night was
lonely without you
and so am I...
so am I.

It seems our day keeps falling on a leap year.

So many high points on this last leg.
I can't wait to recount them.
It seems like nothing's happened
until I've shared them with you.
And the note that you had called
says you're half a day away
and you are heading home
just in time for me, for me to leave.

And road rules apply.
There's so much action,
I'm getting busy.
So make sure that I'm up to date
on TV night,
I hate to miss out.

I think I miss you most
on Uyensdays
and Saturdays.

It seems our day keeps falling on a leap year.

one of these days maybe your magic won't affect me

i just finished rereading a blog where i only wrote for myself. i was really honest. and it was interesting to see where i was, and how i am still dealing with what i wrote about years ago. but things are finally coming to life. here i am. ready to confront.

on another note, it is so hard not to hear my mom's nagging as implying, "you are so incapable!" every time i hear her, i talk back. because i want to assert myself. but i do so when i am upset. so she gets hurt. and the rift grows even wider between us.

other than that, i think i am ready to eat by myself. and do things by myself. wee!

these days, when i wipe my eyes and nose with tissue, it is not for my dissatisfaction in relationships or arguments had with a close other.

these days, i cry because of my immobility, my lack of purpose, my feelings of inadequacy. i cry because i feel lame when i hear where others are going or are. i cry because there is an empty feeling inside of me for everything i have lost. i cry because i wonder "should i have left hawaii?" i cry because i am someone's last hope and i don't want to be. i cry when i look up jobs to pay the bills and cannot see anything i can do. i cry because i am afraid.

and then i go into bed. and hope that if i am meant to, i will wake up in the morning. and i will. and then i go another day lackluster and dull, making my mother sad because i am not happy and she sees it. when i run out of tissues, i throw out the empty box and whip out a new one. because i will need it.

not to say that any of this is justified. or that anyone should feel sorry for me.

it is just how i feel. right now.

she won't ever remember

[edit]

even though things did not work out the way i envisioned and i am standing on uncharted gorunds, i am the happiest i have ever been. and i thank you all for playing a part in this historic era of my life.

we could be together walking on the moon

i had a wonderful date with darling. the evening included above average mexican food at super antojitos, a stroll around best buy and metro pointe, dessert at the gypsy den, and a plan for our next date. yummy skummies! it also led to...

nice things to hear:

"it's nice to have you back."

when i come to the club, step aside

* i got my textbooks for spring classes!
* i bought a "leotard" to use for my latin/swing dance class!
* i replaced my stolen glasses!
* i made quinoa and boca burger for lunch and pasta for dinner!
* i played volleyball again last night for the first time since july!
* i went to bowers museum yesterday with lisak!
* i dreamt about green tea azuki bowls from tropicana, about sitting silently next to a kid, and about a boy speaking to me freely when everyone was gone.
* i refuse to get in the middle of my parents' silent fight.

i heard someone say once that hope kills. i understand that now.

for the last few months, lyrics to colbie caillat's "the little things" clung to me. in doses. now, the last dose is key: "don't just leave me hanging on."

so instead of hanging on and having those strings of hope, i am going to cut it off. and stop waiting for someone else to do the cutting for me.

so here is my own dedication to myself:

It Ends Tonight
The All-American Rejects

Your subtleties, they strangle me
I can't explain myself at all
And all the wants, and all the needs
All I don't want to need at all

The walls start breathing, my mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone
A weight is lifted on this evening
I give the final blow

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight, it ends tonight

A falling star, at least I fall alone
I can't explain what you can't explain
You're finding things that you didn't know
I look at you with such disdain

The walls start breathing, my mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone
A weight is lifted on this evening
I give the final blow

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight, it ends tonight
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight, it ends tonight, it ends tonight

Now I'm on my own side
It's better than being on your side
It's my fault when you're blind
It's better that I see it through your eyes

All these thoughts locked inside
Now you're the first to know

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight, it ends tonight
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight, it ends tonight

this is not the time or place for us to speak like this

i hope what i learned about communication will help me become less passive-aggressive and more assertive.

so this year i hope i don't...
* black list people
* leave people hanging on
* cool off and not readdress the issue
* deny reality
* yell at someone because i repressed my own feelings

hey, baby, don't you worry. even though the road is rocky, i'll be coming home to you again.

[edit]

pop.

where am i?

moving forward. not looking back.

i hope i have a voice left.

si te vas

i am beginning to realize that the delicate "friendships" that exist between boys and girls is not as easy to cultivate as we become men and women (though most, if not all, of the "men" are still boys; i will continue to use "men" here to represent males in their adult years). i have had my fair share of male friends in high school and college. we could talk and hang out. and all was well.

i thought.

now that i think of it, i was in some form of a relationship during the last 8 years. so maybe i only had male friends because i was taken. [gasp] i never thought it could be true! that men and women could not be friends... then again, i have only recently left my childhood days behind. as i have been entering adulthood, the things that were once normal and important amongst my friends have diminished and given way to mating worries and rituals.

a friendship between two of my close friends burst into flames with me in the middle, sending my naivete swirling into the harsh Hades of reality. the woman was an unsuspecting friend, who put all her trust in the man because she thought there was no interest from him. but then he sprung on her and confessed his feelings. and she was shocked and then disappointed. what happened to the friend she saw as a bro? and so, it ended. with a snap of a finger. and a burst of fiery hate.

because i am friends with that man, i have been reevaluating my own position. i do not want the drama of getting "broken up" with as a friend. or the drama of being black-listed. and the discomfort of keeping both of us at bay. and then i think about my other "friendships" with men. and i try to recount all of them but i realize i only have a handful who are heterosexual.

what happened to all my friends?

until i can make more sense of this realization, i am going to keep my distance. and figure out how to establish boundaries.

what do you think?

i finally stopped tripping on my youth

i just got back from oakland. and hanging out with the bff before she flies off. and i am in my parents' house.

and tomorrow starts the settling in process.

can you sleep as the sound hits your ears, one at a time

i am in oakland. hanging out with my brother and darcey. and his friends. near the fireplace. warm and toasty. with two smores. yum. yum. yum. and with "ugly betty." weee!

i return on saturday. hopefully i can see zee before she leaves.

i hope you all are having a great weekend!

take care.

a heart like a lion, burning like fire

2007 continued.

7 top songs on repeat:
* "because of you" - Ne-Yo
* "way i are" - Timbaland Feat. Keri Hilson & D.O.E.
* "big girls don't cry" - Fergie
* "i still remember" - bloc party
* "realize" - colbie caillat
* "echo" - incubus
* "blue light" - bloc party

7 things i tried:
* guitar
* moving away
* quilting
* making earrings
* skateboarding
* following my heart
* cooking

7 movies i remember watching:
* pirates of the caribbean 3
* the bourne ultimatum
* harry potter and the order of the phoenix
* a walk to remember
* ratatouille
* my neighbor totoro
* waitress

7 things i wanted to do but didn't
* learn to drive a manual car
* buy a ukulele
* ...
* ...
* ...
* ...
* ...

you can be sure that it will only get better

2007...

7 lessons learned:
* i can take an active role in my happiness but i have to be open to the outcomes.
* direct communication is better in the long run.
* hard times show you who is really there for you.
* timing is a big factor.
* you probably will not be happy if someone changes to be what you want.
* you cannot see the end from the beginning.
* your fear is probably worse than the actual thing itself.

7 key people:
* zerlina
* keiko
* mitsuko
* mindy
* minh
* keven

7 highlights:
* birthday surprises
* sunrise
* maui
* wedding season
* living in hawaii
* finding direction
* family gathering

7 new favorites:
* "ugly betty"
* UH Warriors
* green tea azuki bowl
* quinoa
* salad
* Colbie Caillat
* Island Snow

7 challenges:
* saying no
* feeling torn
* moving away
* recording a song
* confronting
* being patient with life
* moving on